Safe Online Dating

Like most areas of modern life, I believe technology has been both a blessing and a curse. Historically, dating has always been rough - a minefield of broken hearts, bad matches, and worse. The internet has made it possible to meet people we otherwise might not have, but has also opened us up to a lot of risk.

With Valentine's Day around the corner, I want to offer some advice on how I would go about dating in today's modern digital landscape as a privacy enthusiast. This blog post assumes you want to take part in online dating and addresses the threat model of data breaches and unsophisticated stalkers.

Vetting a Service

In order to use the internet at all, you unavoidably have to hand over certain data. This section is about how to make sure the data you hand over doesn't lead a stalker directly to you in the event of a data breach.

There's a billion dating apps out there these days. Picking one - or multiple - is a tradeoff. Popular services have more users which means more potential matches, but that also makes them attractive targets for cybercriminals. In theory bigger services should have a better budget for cybersecurity, but it only takes one slip up for criminals to get in and steal all that data.

Smaller services may help you better find a specific type of person or relationship you're looking for but also likely have smaller budgets for security.

In addition to those considerations, here's a few things I would look at when picking a service.

Privacy Policies

I'm a strong believer that you should treat all data you put in digital form as public due to the ever-increasing risk of data breaches. As a result, one thing you should check on any new service is the privacy policy. You don't have to read the whole thing, but see what data they collect and under what circumstances they share it.

Some euphemisms you may want to note are things like "trusted business partners," "affiliates," or "personalized experience." This means they share your data with advertisers. This is sadly pretty par for the course these days, but you should still be aware of it, in my opinion.

You should also look for types of data they collect that could uniquely identify you like location data, browser or operating system (OS) versions, and device identifiers like MAC address, IMEI, or advertising IDs. In some cases, this data makes sense - such as requiring a phone number or email address to sign up or location to find people near you (I'll talk about that later). In other cases, this could indicate that the company makes aggressive efforts to uniquely identify you, like in the case of device identifiers and OS versions.

Most apps these days take an "everything including the kitchen sink" approach to sweep up as much data as they can, so it's unlikely you'll find an app that comes even remotely close to what I'd call "privacy respecting." Instead, you'll probably have to adopt an "adversarial" mindset with the service - in other words, you'll have to assume the service will eventually get hacked (even if they mean well and are acting in good faith), and therefore treat the site as untrustworthy and take some additional steps to protect your privacy from the site itself.

Browsers, PWAs, & Permissions

Some services allow you to use a browser rather than an app. Apps tend to have vast access to various parts of your device (such as various sensors and device identifiers), but using the service in a browser will limit those permissions. When used with a privacy-focused browser like Brave or Firefox (or even Safari on iOS), this will offer even more privacy because of the under-the-hood protections of those browsers. Some sites allow the use of "Progressive Web Apps," which offer an app-like experience within the browser, thus offering the best of both worlds.

If you use the app, be sure to limit the permissions. For example, make sure location is set to "coarse" and "while using the app only" instead of "precise" and "all the time." Most modern Android and iPhone devices allow you to share only select photos with an app instead of the entire photo roll. Turn off microphone access if you don't use the app to make calls or send voice notes. These little things add up and also prevent accidentally sharing something you didn't mean to.

Finally, be sure to check the settings inside the app or service and look for ways to improve your privacy. Many services offer a way to set your profile to only be viewable by other users or to opt-out of targeted advertising, to name just a couple things to look for. I recommend doing this to all your accounts on all platforms, not just dating sites.

VoIP, Email Aliasing, & VPNs

Many services require a phone number these days for signup. If possible, try to use a VoIP number like Hushed, MySudo, or Google Voice. I would recommend continuing to use this number when taking your conversations off-platform for added privacy and compartmentalization.

There are many websites where you can look up a phone number for free and find out information about the owner, including address. Using a VoIP number can help protect against this type of stalking and keep your personal and dating life separate.

If you can sign up with an email address instead of a phone number, that's even better for privacy. I would recommend using Addy.io or SimpleLogin, again to create that layer of compartmentalization. Just like with phone numbers, there's sites you can use to look up where someone has an account based on email address.

VPNs largely exaggerate the protections they offer, but they do still offer some assistance. If you can afford a reputable VPN, that can help obscure your true IP address (which can reveal your exact location) and block some trackers and ads.

Finally, you should always secure all your accounts with strong passwords and multifactor authentication. This will ensure that your account remains as close to unhackable as possible, protecting your DMs and more. (Just remember: nothing is ever truly unhackable.)

Be careful what you post

The previous section will help you protect the behind-the-scenes data if it gets exposed. But there's still lots of other information you submit when using the service that's readily accessible to other users (or even the public in some cases). This section is about how to prevent someone from taking that publicly-visible info and using it to stalk you.

Usernames/Names

I'm a strong believer that you should never re-use usernames except when you're creating a brand - such as a content creator or a business. If the service you've chosen allows for usernames, try to randomly generate one.

If it requires you put in a human name, try to pick one that's fairly generic. I don't recommend lying, but maybe use a nickname or your middle name if your first name is unique. If you have a generic first name but with a unique spelling, use a generic spelling. For example, I have met both "Alyx" and "Alecz," so in those cases I would advise those people to intentionally misspell it as the common "Alex."

Photos

Most dating apps allow you to upload photos. I think this is wise with a few caveats. For one, you should take a unique photo for the app instead of re-using an existing one. Google's Reverse Image Search doesn't use facial recognition technology, so taking a unique photo is an easy way to thwart services like that.

Unfortunately there are already popular, effective facial recognition websites where you can upload a photo and find other photos of you around the web, including links to where they appeared. The most popular one I know if is PimEyes, but there are others I haven't investigated like FaceCheck.ID and Lenso.AI. It may be worth going to those sites and opting out in advance so people can't use it against you.

You should also be mindful of what's in the photo. Things like work badges, logos on shirts, mail or even skylines in the background can all reveal more than you realize.

You should also remove the metadata from your photos before uploading (again, assume anything you share could become public). An easy way to do this is to simply send the photo to yourself using Signal's "Note To Self" feature, but you can also use tools like Scrambled Exif or Metapho. (Windows has a native feature to do this, but Mac will require third-party tools. See here for more details.)

Bios

Bios are great for helping people get to know you and if they think you'd be a good fit, but you should avoid any overly-specific information. Stuff like "I work in marketing" and "I have a 4-year degree" is probably fine. Naming the exact company and school might be a bit much. I would try to focus more on hobbies and values, anyways, if it were me. What you do outside of work - where we're going to be spending time together - is generally far more interesting to me than what you do for work.

Meeting In Person

I do want to quickly acknowledge that while I think online dating has opened some opportunities, I think it's also worth stating that it's not the only way to meet someone. The old fashioned way of meeting people is still highly effective - that is, simply going about your life and hobbies and keeping your eyes open (or through your network of friends, which you can also meet by going about your life and hobbies). Meeting someone AFK ("away from keyboard") has the advantage of already knowing you have at least one shared hobby and you probably live close to each other, and there's no need to deal with invasive apps or probably-malicious algorithms that work against users. Just remember not to be a creep and that "no" is a complete sentence when you ask someone out in person.

Be Safe in Person

Once you think you've met someone special and want to start taking things to the next level, that inevitably involves meeting in person. Here's a few tips:

• Consider doing a verification video call with an app like Signal or Session so you don't have to hand over something sensitive identifiers like your iMessage email address or phone number (which is probably closely linked to your personal life). Unfortunately real-time AI video deepfakes are a thing, so do some research on how to spot those.
• I recommend always scheduling the first meetup somewhere very public such as a restaurant, bar, concert, museum, etc.
• If you're especially worried, you could consider taking an Uber to avoid even more risk like a stalker identifying your car, but be aware that this might also make it harder for you to sneak away if you feel like things are going south.
• Tell someone you trust where you're going and who you'll be with. Maybe even schedule a check in or tell them "expect to hear from me no later than 10 pm."
• It may be worth letting a friend - temporarily - track you just in case. Android and iPhone both offer ways to do this without third-party apps (though for Android this requires using Google Maps). If you need something cross-platform, WhatsApp offers this feature with end-to-end encryption. I have some privacy concerns about using WhatsApp, so I would only recommend using it temporarily for this specific situation. You could opt for another service, but be aware that some of these services may be selling your location data.
• Always listen to your gut. Gavin de Becker's seminal work The Gift of Fear argues that more often than not your instincts are right, that your subconscious is picking up on very subtle cues your brain can't put words to yet. If something feels off, err on the side of caution. Worst case scenario: a totally normal person is disappointed for a while but moves on. Best case: you saved your life.

Conclusion

Humans are social creatures. I don't believe that you have to be in love to be a whole, complete person with a fulfilled life. Still, many of us do yearn for that connection. Even for those seeking platonic relationships, I believe much of this advice is universal to all social platforms where you're attempting to find a relationship. Finding connection with others - no matter what form it takes - should never require us to sacrifice our rights to safety, from platforms and bad actors. It's my hope that this blog post will help you find whatever connection you're seeking in a way that puts you at less risk.